Keeping on keeping on….
Keeping on keeping on….
So. I like to write. I WANT to write.
I also work full-time, have two kids (12 and 9), and and STILL battling depression and anxiety demons.
Self tends to come last, if I do anything for self, at all. I tend to collapse in a chair after the kids go to bed, read for a while, then pass out. My fanfiction writing has come to a screeching almost-halt. I hate that.
I feel like I am failing in everything that makes me, ME.
I want to write a book. I know I have one in me.
But what’s the best way to make it happen, while swinging swords at anxiety, depression, and helping my children deal with life’s surprises, and trying to be a somewhat acceptable spouse?
Well, I thought a seven month hiatus would be good for all of us. But I think I was wrong :).
Hi everyone. Its been a lonnnng fall and winter. I’m fighting the Winter Doldrums something fierce. I’ve finally come to the conclusion that I need to get back onto an antidepressant and/or anti-anxiety med. Otherwise, I’m going to keep spinning around the drain, and not in a good way.
I haven’t been able to focus on anything – Real Life itself is a struggle, forget the idea of being creative or doing self-things.
I haven’t feel like writing in MONTHS. I pulled a Harry Potter Advent fanfiction out of my butt, and (luckily) it hit some good humor buttons, but I felt like I was fighting with my brain the entire time. And the tears. The tears have been horrible. STOP with the tears already.
So. Doc appt is lined up. I don’t care what my mother-in-law says: sometimes you DO need chemistry to get through life.
My worries did not come to pass. Robbie’s had a good week, Monday notwithstanding.
Except, he did hit his head on the side door mirror of a school bus on the way to the camp check-in, despite my warning him to watch out(!), and he was mad at me for not warning him soon enough. THAT’S typical Mother’s Guilt, though, and I refuse to let it sink into my bones.
It’s been busy here in my Unseen world. My kids have been attending summer camp through the local YMCA. They offer lots of different sports camps, science camps, art camps, etc. Lots of fun, right? Hmm.
The last two weeks the kids did science camp and had a good time (both said so). That’s great, esp. for my son who has tons of anxiety and is very introverted – at least until he warms up to you. 🙂 This week my kids had signed up for Archery Camp (my son) and a Junior Chefs/Cooking Camp (my daughter). The cooking camp is at the downtown Y location, near my office, while the archery camp is at another Y facility that the kids have both been attending the past couple of weeks. So, there is some juggling around to do this week, but it isn’t too bad.
Robbie’s been looking forward to archery since we signed up for all the camp choices back in MARCH. He’s been so excited, so I was hoping that yesterday, his first day, was fun and rewarding for him.
Well. He’d had a decent day yesterday EXCEPT for the actual archery part. Why?
He was mad/upset that he’d “lost an arrow” during his turn. I asked what he meant – thinking it may have flown into the woods or something – ut what he meant was he’d lost one of his three arrows as a punishment. He confessed that he’d shoved a kid who had been repeatedly poking him in the back. He said he’d asked the kid to leave him alone, first, and when that didn’t happen, Robbie told me he’d then tried to just ignore the kid but that hadn’t worked, either. So then he shoved him. *Sigh!*
They were both penalized one arrow from their turn to shoot at the targets (each turn is 3 arrows, it seems). Robbie then told me he’d been so bothered about it that he’d just sat out the rest of archery time! ALL of it!
I was very annoyed that the counselors hadn’t stopped the kid.
So then today at drop-off, the archery instructor, an older man, was there and he asked Robbie if he was in a better mood today. Robbie hung his head. I was immediately annoyed, because there are ways to ask a kid about his mood and that’s NOT one of them, and more so when the man proceeded to tell me that Robbie had “slugged a kid” yesterday. I replied that it was because the kid had been bothering Robbie when it was his turn, and he’d only pushed him after he’d tried telling him to stop and ignoring him. The instructor said, “Nope, when they are up for their turn no one does any moving around. The kid was just trying to ask Robert his name.”
By that point I was mentally even more ticked off, because there is no way to have a real conversation at morning drop-off (too hectic) and it was obvious, to me, that there still should have been some adult intervention yesterday. Perhaps Robbie was trying to hear/listen to what the archery instructor was saying, for example. I agree that he shouldn’t have hit the kid, but he didn’t have to put up with being annoyed, either!
I gave Robbie a hug and whispered to him that it’s okay to be friendly, and to see if he could have a better day today, and he went on his way.
Then I found that he’d forgotten his water bottle in the car when I got to work. It’s been super-hot, so I went back to camp to make sure he got his water, and tried to talk about it with the female counselor on duty, but she was packing up to head off for the day’s activities and she wasn’t that approachable – not rude, but stand-offish and not engaging. I understand she was on a schedule, but more than a single syllable or two would have been good. I wasn’t really impressed.
Most of that is probably my own anxiety kicking in by that point. I want to be a good mom, I want to help my son, I want him to be able to help himself, I don’t want him to be bullied but I don’t want him to be punished for trying to stand up for himself…
I just… overall I felt a ton of embarrassment and anxiety FOR Robert, and I felt anxiety on my part because I wanted to defend him, and get to the bottom of what had happened, and I wanted to tell them all to pay more attention and to keep their hands to themselves. And yes, I know the counselors have a lot of kids to watch and can’t be on everyone’s case every minute.
Robbie’s been looking forward to archery all summer, and now I am afraid because of the way he is re: anxiety and so forth, it has possibly been ruined for him. He’s mostly done it to himself inside his own head (and I know this, as I probably would react in a similar way), but dang it, isn’t camp supposed to be a fun time?
I’m an introverted, anxiety-ridden person too. And you know what? I freaking hate camp.
— End of brain spillage —!
I’m a bit calmer this morning than I was when I posted yesterday. Sleep DOES help. I still feel huge amounts of anxiety hovering just around the corner of my mind’s eye. I am doing my best to ignore them.
Today, I will focus on accomplishing just a couple of things, minor things. that have niggled at me for a while now, and getting those done should help me generate some “I can do this!” feelings.
I feel trapped, both inside my body and inside my home. My body is huge and disgusting. I have no “place for my stuff.”
I CAN’T STAND IT!