Archive for the ‘self-criticism’ Category

Apologies for my mercurial moods

Hi Everyone. I have been irascible of late, partly due to medication. But mostly due to the changing of the seasons and the darkening of the days. I really don’t like to be crabby, but it seems to have been 1 of my more dominant moods lately. If I have been crabby at you, I apologize. If I haven’t been crabby at you, then carry on as usual. 🙂

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I feel like a horrible mom

The public library in our town told kids they would have a 3 day drama camp Aug 1 2 and 3.  Just 1 hour a day.  Nothing big. 

Daughter Harriet was all for it, she loves drama, and I thought fun, I can’t sign her up for theatre camp this year due to my surgery so this will be fun. 

I went on line earlier in the summer and they didn’t have registration open yet. 

I asked the children’s librarian two weeks ago about signing up and she said its available online now.

I forgot until just now.

Registration is closed, full up, NO WAITING LIST.

Shitpissfuckdamnscrew.  I feel like a complete ass.  COMPLETE.  Harriet is going to be so upset.  Gods damn it.

I can remember MY damn Harry Potter ticket but not a lousy, free theatre fun thing for my kids?

Way to go, Mother.    

Photo Shoot today

hi all!

I am SO SORE today from trying to snowblow our driveway yesterday.  Turns out the tires were flat and one of the two shear pins was snapped so only one side of the auger was turning.  I found this out two hours later.  We do NOT have a large drive, folks.  It should NOT have been so frustration-inducing.  The damn blower should have been maintenanced.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

ANYWAY!  Smiley face!  😀 😀 😀 😀

Today!  I had to have my photo taken (professional shots) for the revamp of our law firm’s website.  All the attorneys, paralegals, and admin staff are being snapped.  I’m admin, as library director, sooooo…  I put on a power red sweater, my silver dragon pin (so Draco would be with me in spirit), and skin-colored makeup to hide as many zits as possible.  (Yes, they will retouch with Photoshop, but still.)

I don’t like myself much in photos currently, as my double chin is back and I feel frumpy, BUT, I wasn’t going to let that get in my way.  I hammed it up, played up the part of being the librarian, did my ‘glaring over the eyeglasses at the photographer’ thing, etc. in-between serious shots.  He loved it, so did his assistant.  Even asked me if I’d done any theatre/acting (LOL, only as ‘elderly woman on street’ in high school, though I did write and direct a LOT of my own skits for lower grades, and Sunday School).

We had a really good time, actually, and he was VERY good at getting people to act natural and relaxed, talking to them and snapping pics when they weren’t all staged.  I had some really good ones come out (could see them on his big computer screen) – both professional ones and goofy ones.  I was glad to see them.  I think I’ll order a funny one or two for myself!  😀

Being Descriptive

I’ve been writing a Bermione fanfic, and I’m in love with it but have been agonizing over it because I am so self-critical.  I’m close to the point of posting Chapter 1, however, and am very excited.  Have some tweaks to make after showing the draft to the ever-helpful and lovely RZZMG (THANK YOU FRIEND!) and then I think I’ll be good to go.

I realized something this morning as I mused on the tweaks I want to make – In my opinion, I am almost overly-descriptive when I talk aloud to people, failing to get to the point quickly, getting sidetracked, what-have-you. On the other hand, in my writing, at times I am much too brusque, glossing over areas that need to be stretched out with more detail and “sparkling verbs and adjectives”.  (Again, at least, in my opinion.)  I fear being too verbose, too dragging and boring, so I go too much the other direction and leave everything out!

I chuckle in my general direction.

Cyclical Insanity

It’s back again.  I’m dealing with the full moon, my womanly ‘curse’, SAD, and the magnifying effects of hormones on my ever-present depression.  I’m slumping again.

This has happened for the past three or four months now, at least that I’ve been aware of when it happens.  I used to have PMS.  Now I guess it is still PMS, but it is sort-of “post-menstrual syndrome” except I am not quite “post” yet.

TMI.

Anyway, this feeling started to creep in yesterday evening, and will probably be with me for 48-72 hours.  It is so debilitating and I hate its effects on people around me, too.  I’m trying to combat it with my lightbox, and my Zoloft, and my sense of humor.

Thanksgiving is Thursday.  I have a lot to be thankful for, and I need to focus on those things, not on the negative.

So sad

Still.  Again?  Always.  Who wants to hear it.  Shit or get off the pot, UL.  The drugs aren’t working, well enough anyway, not all the time.  I’ll have to go talk to the professionals some more.  This swing is cyclical for sure, and I need to do more about it or I’ll go bat-poo crazy.  As my friend said in her comment last post, I’ll get old and grey before my time.  Darn it, I want to ENJOY life.

I don’t want to sit here with tears running down my face!

Especially not at work.  They sort of frown on that.

Worrying and Wisdom and Writing, Oh My

So, my anxiety levels have been through the roof today.  My moods are swinging all over the place.  As I get older, PMS gets weirder.  DMS?  (During?)  Whatev.  It is mentally exhausting and definitely anxiety-causing.  I have anxiety about my anxiety.  😦

I need to be wise about this.  A friend told me I need to embrace my anxiety, accept that it is part of me, and that will help me own it, instead of being controlled by it.  I think that’s a good idea, but I’m not very wise though, and DOING that is something I have yet to even attempt.  Being smart is different from being wise.  Being smart means having the knowledge that smoking is bad for your health.  Being wise means actually quitting smoking.

Did some writing on my “Bermione” fanfiction tonight.  I don’t get very far at each session, but at least I do some each time.  I seem to have a huge hang-up on this and I am really not sure why.  Well, maybe it COULD be because I am expecting myself to be perfect and flawless and I’m psyching myself out.  Argh.  That’s the biggest problem I have in 98.6% of my life struggles!