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Still here

are you?

Keeping on keeping on….

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Parenting and Working and Writing and Anxiety and …

So.  I like to write.  I WANT to write.  

I also work full-time, have two kids (12 and 9), and and STILL battling depression and anxiety demons.

Self tends to come last, if I do anything for self, at all.  I tend to collapse in a chair after the kids go to bed, read for a while, then pass out.  My fanfiction writing has come to a screeching almost-halt. I hate that.  

I feel like I am failing in everything that makes me, ME.

I want to write a book.  I know I have one in me.

But what’s the best way to make it happen, while swinging swords at anxiety, depression, and helping my children deal with life’s surprises, and trying to be a somewhat acceptable spouse?

 

Hello. Miss me?

Well, I thought a seven month hiatus would be good for all of us.  But I think I was wrong :).

Hi everyone.  Its been a lonnnng fall and winter.  I’m fighting the Winter Doldrums something fierce.  I’ve finally come to the conclusion that I need to get back onto an antidepressant and/or anti-anxiety med.  Otherwise, I’m going to keep spinning around the drain, and not in a good way. 

I haven’t been able to focus on anything – Real Life itself is a struggle, forget the idea of being creative or doing self-things.

I haven’t feel like writing in MONTHS.  I pulled a Harry Potter Advent fanfiction out of my butt, and (luckily) it hit some good humor buttons, but I felt like I was fighting with my brain the entire time.  And the tears. The tears have been horrible.  STOP with the tears already.  

So.  Doc appt is lined up.  I don’t care what my mother-in-law says: sometimes you DO need chemistry to get through life.

 

Summer Camp Anxiety Has Lessened

Whew.

My worries did not come to pass. Robbie’s had a good week, Monday notwithstanding. 

Except, he did hit his head on the side door mirror of a school bus on the way to the camp check-in, despite my warning him to watch out(!), and he was mad at me for not warning him soon enough.  THAT’S typical Mother’s Guilt, though, and I refuse to let it sink into my bones.

Isn’t it?

 

The Salvage Continues

OMG.  Folks…  I finally had a good night’s sleep.  It has been YEARS since I could say that.

It makes me want to cry with joy and not-a-small amount of fright.

Technically, I have a BiPAP machine and mask.  Both nose and mouth are covered by a mask (femininized with pink straps) and the machine supplies positive airway pressure through one half of the contraption.  The other half is a humidifer.  

Folks – last night was amazing.  During my sleep study, I stopped breathing 89 times per hour. (The average person stops 5.)  With the mask on?  I went down to just 2.2.  Two!  TWO!!!!! I feel SO MUCH BETTER already!!!!

The Wreck is being Salvaged

Slowly but surely.

I’m off the anti-depressants, finally.  After years and years of taking them (literally decades), I learned from a new friend of mine, who happens to be a pharmacist, that anti-depressants are meant to be for short-term use only.  They were never intended to be used for years, yet doctors apparently find it easier to keep on prescribing them instead of finding other solutions.

Needless to say, I was livid and shaken when I heard this – also, extremely upset with myself.  I consider myself an intelligent person who does her research.  Yet, despite these traits, I never discovered/came upon this factoid.  How did I not find that out?  I beat myself up over that thoroughly.  But I also weaned myself off the Anti-Ds (no, I did not go cold turkey. 🙂  ).

Today. too, at long last, I get my CPAP machine.  I will finally be able to breathe again when I sleep.  Good-bye, snoring!  Good-bye, oxygen deprivation!   The sleep study I had revealed that for every 60 minutes of sleep, I have NOT BEEN BREATHING for 15 of those minutes.  My O2 levels drop below 85% when I’m asleep. Holy CRAP, folks.  No wonder I’ve lost memory, lost brain power and cognitive function, and lost even simple things like picking the right word to use in a sentence.  😦  This has gone on for over a year now, possibly longer.  I’ve been so upset and frustrated by it.

 

What really got me to go have the study done, however, was falling asleep behind the wheel while going 68 MPH on the highway.  Yeah, that will straighten out your spinal cord a little bit.  (No accident.  I came to almost immediately.  But the sleepy behind the wheel issue has been a problem, and enough was enough).

So, In a few minutes, I’m off to get my CPAP (“Continuous positive airway pressure”) machine. It’s pathetic how excited I am for this.

I can’t wait to actually wake up and feel REFRESHED.

I can’t wait for my metabolism to come alive again so I can lose the two extra people I’ve been carrying around with me.

I can’t wait to use my real vocabulary again.

I can’t wait to possibly NOT be such an emotional basketcase.

I can’t wait to have ANY sort of energy, to do ANYthing.

I can’t wait to want to talk to friends again.  And to write again.  And to enjoy my kids, and my husband, and my job.

I am really looking forward to LIVING again.

Still here!~

Hi all,

Yes, I am, indeed, still alive and kicking.
I’m dealing with some health issues most recently and haven’t been as focused as I would like.  Still, to quote Granny Weatherwax from Sir Terry Pratchett’s DISCWORLD novels, “I aten’t dead”!